All women throughout history know there’s a male-female pleasure gap. For a long time, sex education, movies, TV shows and porn have had the spotlight solely trained on male pleasure (read: male orgasm). As a result, women tend to grow up believing their pleasure is less important than their (male) partner’s, often taking a backseat during sex, never truly discovering their own sexual check-boxes, and shying away from talking about sex, masturbation or female sensuality. All this, despite the fact that it’s us women who are more likely to experience multiple orgasms. What gives?
That’s where we’d like to step in. We want to start an initiative for partners to start putting a focus on the female orgasm. No matter your gender, if you would like to learn more about sexual satisfaction for women, read our how-to tips, store away your favorites, and get ready to spoil her rotten.
1. Start early
To make sure everyone is on board, agree beforehand on a particular day or evening that will be focused entirely on her. Let her tell you what she wants from the experience, whether that’s a massage, a warm bath together, foreplay or full sex. This is just for her and should be taken seriously with plenty of communication about what she wants to achieve.
2. Keep it intimate
Nobody wants to feel as though their partner only cares about their needs when they’re in bed. Refocus finding her pleasure in solely sex by exploring other forms of intimacy. Does she like cuddling on the sofa watching a movie? Holding hands in the street? A welcome-home kiss after a long day? Trust and, subsequently, pleasure builds when you show you’re thinking of her all day long – not just when you’re naked.
3. Focus on foreplay
Sure, we all love a quickie. But that isn’t the objective here. If you spend time warming up your partner, everyone will reap the rewards. Don’t jump straight to her vulva. Instead, explore the whole of her body. Ask what she likes and spend time touching, teasing, stroking and kissing those areas. Don’t forget to explore unlikely erogenous zones: the backs of the knees, the bottom of the spine, the soles of her feet.
4. Pay attention to the clitoris
The clitoris has around about 8,000 nerve endings, so there’s a reason focusing on it works better than just thrusting and hoping for the best. For the most part, kissing, licking, sucking and rubbing this pleasure point is the best way to help your partner reach the Big O. However, you still need to listen to her spoken and unspoken cues about what’s working for her. The clitoris can sometimes be too sensitive to be touched directly, so try your techniques on the hood and the areas around it as well.
5. Don’t stop – until she asks
When it looks like she might be on the edge, you may be tempted to speed up your movements, change direction or take a break (we all get sore hands – and tongues). However, if your gal is telling you ‘don’t stop’ – don’t. You may well have hit the perfect spot, and if you change what you’re doing now, all could be lost. Similarly, if she does tell you to stop at any point, do so quickly and make sure she is okay before you even think about continuing.
6. Don’t get frustrated
We get it. You want to please your partner. But this isn’t about you and your ego. If you are frustrated that your partner didn’t reach orgasm, don’t turn it into a big deal. This can often put pressure on her to want to please you – which is exactly the opposite of what you’re trying to achieve. It will happen – or maybe it won’t. If she is happy with that, you should be too. She’ll be more likely to want to continue trying if she knows you’re not taking it personally. That means more fun for everyone.
7. ⭐️ Bonus tip ⭐️
Lubrication can be key!
Some women don’t get wet very easily, and this can be for a variety of reasons – from stress, dehydration, her menstrual cycle, or simple because she’s not quite ready yet. A good lube can make all the difference, and you’ll both feel more comfortable when things are a little more slick. Plus, some lubes make for a great impromptu massage oil if you suddenly get the urge to get rid of tension in a different way.
If you take away only one thing, make it this: communication is king. Talk to each other and when you’re listening, make sure to really hear what your partner is saying. She knows her own body better than anyone else, so her words have power. And remember that no matter what happens, you are a team going for a very exciting and special goal. To do your best to increase sexual satisfaction for women, make it relaxing, make it sexy and make it fun.
Meet the author...
Despite being a writer, Kirstyn Smith still isn’t very good at amusing bios. She works freelance as an editor + writer, and she’s also founder of Marbles – an independent magazine that explores mental illness with irreverence, rawness and humour. In her free time, she likes to nap, eat chips, run and consume all things spooky. But mainly the chips thing.