Many people with vulvas don’t feel comfortable receiving oral sex from their partners. And it’s no surprise, considering how little we see cunnilingus performed or suggested in movies or tv, as well as how infrequently it’s talked about in high school sex ed. Yet the blowjob has a prominent placement in mainstream media, often being depicted in movies and tv shows intended for a younger viewing audience.
It’s safe to say that how we see cunnilingus represented (or more often, not represented) heavily influences how we feel about it.
If you’d like to see some overwhelmingly positive cunnilingus representation (if we do say so ourselves) pair this article with Lip Service, one of our steamiest oral sex videos, to date.
A study done in 2016 by the Journal of Human Sexuality (on people identifying as cis and heterosexual) found that 25% of women said that they’d given but never received oral sex, compared to only 10 percent of men. But, they also found that more than half of men found it “very pleasuruable” to give oral sex, with less than a third of women saying the same about giving oral to men.
It’s no wonder vagina owners aren’t 100% enthusiastic about someone getting up close and personal with their bits, when they’ve been repeatedly told that they need to look, smell and exist in a certain way to be considered acceptable.
There’s lots of reasons that you may feel uncomfortable receiving oral sex, but most of them are mental blockages that can be overcome with a little self love and some reassurance from your partner.
Stop Worrying About Your Smell
YOUR. VAGINA. DOES. NOT. SMELL. BAD.
Burn this into your brain.
Vaginas don’t smell like vanilla, flowers, fresh strawberries or misty morning dew. They smell like vaginas. Full stop.
Every vulva has its own unique pH balance, which gives it its own unique scent. This scent will change at any given time during your cycle. For example, right before your period, it might have a more metallic scent to it.
If someone wants to get up in your business, they should already be well aware of what a vagina smells like. If they’re not, they’ll have nothing to compare it to. Either way, you have nothing to worry about.
That being said, sometimes sexy times aren’t predictable and might happen right after a sweaty spin class. And while there’s nothing wrong with someone giving you oral after you’ve been sweating your butt off, sometimes we want to feel clean before the fun begins.
You can stop the party and say “I just want to clean up real quick” or make it part of the fun and invite your partner to join you in the shower.
BUT, if anyone ever gives you trouble about the scent of your genitals, they don’t deserve to get close to them. We do not have time for humans who shame us for living in our natural state.
**That being said, if you’re experiencing an odour that is not normal for you, be sure to see a medical professional.
Care Less About Hair
Guess what?! Genitals have hair!
Hopefully whoever is going down on you is well aware of that fact.
People with vaginas have been made to feel like their genitals need to be completely bald to be sexy. But styles change and hair has been making a comeback, so you’ll definitely be on trend if you decide to bring back the bush.
However you want to style your pubes is completely up to you, but it should be a choice you’re making for yourself, not because someone wants your genitals to look a certain way. YOU decide what you want to do with your body hair and someone else’s “preference” can fuck right off.
Focus on Pleasure
Your orgasm is not a prize to be won.
Stop worrying about your partner’s ego and focus on your pleasure. Orgasms are great and all, but they aren’t the gold star you give to your partner for a job well done.
Focus less on the goal of orgasming and concentrate more on the pleasure you feel in the moment.
If orgasming during oral is something that you struggle with, try making it rule that you’re not allowed to orgasm during oral sex. It takes the pressure off you and your partner, and you may find your body more responsive.
Respect Your Vagina
Patriarchal porn has skewed our idea of what a vagina should look like.
The truth is, no two vulvas are alike. Some have large outer lips, some are smaller, some inner lips are tucked into the outer lips and some hang lower than the outer. Some have darker coloration on the edges, some don’t. The more vulvas you see, the faster you’ll come to realize that the vulvas that mainstream pornography has sold us, haven’t even cracked the surface of what vulvas can look like.
It isn’t just people with vulvas that need to wrap their head around this idea. Partners of people with vulvas also need to realize the many different appearances of vulvas. It pains me to think of how many people have told me that a sexual partner shamed them for how their vulva looks.
Labiaplasty is only a thing because we’ve been told our vulvas need to look a specific way to be sexually desirable. But that’s complete bullshit. Don’t let any vulva shamers near your perfect, normal, healthy, beautiful vulva.
Feeling more comfortable during oral sex can add more pleasure to your life, but you don’t have to partake in it, if you don’t want to. There’s lots of other ways to enjoy pleasure. But, make sure you’re declining because you want to, not because of hangups you inherited from a bad partner or our sexually repressed society. You deserve immense pleasure, in all the ways you want to enjoy it.
Meet the author...
Jennifer Doan is a Confidence Coach, writer and orgasmic activist. She is on a life-long mission to help feminists own their sexual confidence by amplifying pleasure and giving less fucks. She believes virginity and gender are social constructs, sexuality is as fluid as her iced coffee and that EVERYONE deserves to feel empowered by sex.